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A Desperate Plea
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Subject:One year, unfathomably fast.
Time:11:05 am
One year plus. Really? My two year old playing on the floor...myself, reclined on the couch...my head still a scrambled mess as before. At least this time around, therapy is a very real option. Who even comes here anymore...do these things really matter to anyone? Sometimes, I like reading how naive, retarded and hopeless I am. Or was. No. Am. Le sigh. Story of my life.
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Subject:Back Again
Time:01:33 am
Shouldn't I be happy.............

:edit: Ironic, my last post was like, 6 days prior to me actually getting pregnant.....wow....
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Subject:Babies and Bodies
Time:09:00 pm
So, I want to work on losing this nasty weight I got going on here...I'm about to hit 150!!! Everyone says I don't look it, and I don't feel it!!!! But, I know it's time. I can't even remember what I used to look like in High School, my tiny little 125 I took so much advantage of. I'm 21 years old....I look okay, and I know I'm not exactly dressing my size, but I'm trying to work on it...I need a stylist!! Lol. But, at the same time I want to lose all this weight, I want to be fat and huge with a baby! GRR. So, my goal is to get down to a good cute little size and then be preggo and not gain so that I'm a freaking whale or anything like I would if it were to happen now. So, here is my decree: Get my ASS moving!!!! Then have a baby....lol
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Subject:Silencio, quiero...
Time:12:48 pm
 Driving home, my nose catches the scent of sweet jasmine...and thousands of memories flood my mind. I can't help but feel nostalgic...so many times of happiness and freedom. It almost makes me miss....him....

How can you not love your past? Despite all the shit, there's still so much damn good in there...:(
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Time:05:11 pm
 I feel this INTENSE need to conceive...
Like, a real, burning in my heart for that love and warmth and compassion...
I've lost interest in the life I was going for, school, career...
I don't see any of that in my future, regardless if I graduate or not...
Everything in my heart is saying that this is what I want, what I need...
I feel like it's my answer to all those shut up and closed feelings, all the heart aches...
I can't get that satisfaction....everyone around me is saying no...
That I should wait, that I should finish this and that...
But god DAMN it....that's all I want in this world is someone who will love me no matter what...that bond...::sigh::

:tick, tick, tick:
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Time:01:17 am

Here I am, On the phone again. Awkward silence, on the other end.

It's kind of weird reflecting on myself these days. yet I find myself strangely attracted to this place again.

Sometimes I wish the divine would slap me in the fucking face.

I'm in love, have been since I quite this place. I found my truth, my answer, my husband.

I never thought I'd make it here, but shows what I know.

I hate a lot of things right now, but I just can't get over the fact that I am truly in love.

I'm scared of the idea of being around another man these days...I freak out and feel like it's wrong.

I feel like he will always be my one. I don't ever see us straying this lifetime without eachother.

I think we will make it and prove the world wrong that true love still does exist, and that people are made for eachother in one way.

Oh I am so blind.

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Subject:Being an Onlooker
Time:07:03 pm
I cant seem to figure out why I hate every aspect of life at this point in my life. I hate going to school-which I used to love and always looked forward too. I hate art-simply because one teacher made it completely suck for me. I hate work-which I really didn't mind until recently. I hate Jacob-he makes me cry at least 3 times a week now. I hate the concept of love and relationships-see the predecessor. I hate not being appreciated or respected at some sort of level that one would consider reasonable. I hate the fucking ideas that happiness is always attainable and that the past is in the past and there's nothing you can do about it. I hate laying down every night wondering why I keep waking up every morning and why I didn't pass in my sleep. I still constantly wish I wasn't here on this earth in this life, hating everything about it. It's like my punishment for hating life; having to live it, hating it. I can't figure out if I truly don't believe in a god or spiritual power. Yet, I can't accept that there could possibly be something up there running my life to a certain degree and making sure everything works out for the end. I have this constant urge to jump off a cliff and just hope I die at the end of the flight. I can't communicate with anyone. No one can seriously understand the words I say or how I communicate them. I don't really think I have ever been taken seriously.
In my attempt to explain the process of how I think, I seriously frustrate myself. It's rediculous to be an onlooker to my speech and witness how incredibly stupid I am.
Say, for example, the other night Jacob and I fought for quite a while about whether we were going to stay together or take a break or whatever. Now, my initial thoughts were, yes I want out of this rediculously condescending copout of a relationship. Then in kicks my future self saying, look at what you've planned with him, look what could be. Then my past self chimes in on queue, yeah, but look what was planned and didn't happen, look what was promised and wasn't fulfilled, look at how things were handled. Finally, (as Jake has been staring at my blank expression for 5 minutes) I think these pieces of me altogether and can only seem to utter a lameass "I don't know." I say I'm leaving, and I sit there and take it like a bitch. I fucking argue my heart out, but it's only ever in my head, never outloud. I can't communicate with him. Anything I ever want to truthfully say to him is condescending and hurtful and would get us nowhere. My concept of speech is looking at him in his eyes every few minutes just to make sure he's still there waiting for me to say something.
Next example. They way I struggle with personal thoughts is almost like a schizophrenic relationship. For instance, (yes, another Jake example..) last night Jake was kind of suggesting to me that he wasn't comphy laying in the spot he was so I told him to scoot over a couple times. He snapped back at me saying no Dani, I'm fine where I am and I don't mean to be an asshole about it, but damn. So naturally I feel like a complete bitch for even suggesting he could move since he asked about it. So then I sit there evaluating the situation and just cry because the whole month has just been a fucking emotional rollercoaster and I think a lot of the stuff I wrote earlier in this. I tell myself repeatedly all the negative things about myself and how I act and how I am and how I handle situations. I verbally bash myself as if I'm an onlooker of a pathetic means of a person. It's like this other person comes out of me and tells me I should just kill myself because why bother trying to make other people respect me, love me, be kind to me, etc. Why bother trying to be a human being at all? Why not just stay an empty void, a lost soul in a sea of nothing promising. I go through these thoughts for about an hour, all the while being myself onlooking the onlooker thinking, what the fuck is the matter with me? Why would I, ME! be thinking these things? Why would such a happy, energetic, promising person like me, ever feel the need to think this? I get frustrated because I don't know who the real me really is. Am I the onlooker, the person looking on the onlooker, or am I the initial one being looked upon. So finally I just give in to the physical means of being human and pass out because I'm so exhausted from the predecessing argument that my energy to keep it up is spent.
That's no way to live. And I live it every day.
I regret to say that I deny therapy. I've been suggested by so many people it's almost painful and hurtful to think about because I know I'm smarter than this. I know and am aware that what I'm doing is stupid and that I know I can handle it myself. I KNOW what I'm thinking is messed up, but it still continues to be thought about.
All in all I'm just another brick in the wall.
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Current Music:My Chemical Romance - Helena
Subject:Update For Sake
Time:11:46 pm
Current Mood:indifferentindifferent
Jake relapsed. I walked out on him, but I came back....Why? I have asked myself everyday since he told me...and only one person has truly made me realize something that quite possibly be the truth...

Am I doing this to "save" him? Am I doing this to remake my dad's life in some sort of twisted psychological Freudian bullshit thing by attempting to make right what my dad made so wrong in his life?

I think I'm making this a bit too deep...

Not to mention I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind either. We had been fighting previously so I bailed and went to the desert with my ex bf and his two friends...Jake doesn't know who that was...thankfully. I just told him it was a friend...but what hurt me the most was that before I left I called him to "make-up" and he told me to be safe, I told him not to do anything stupid since he was going out to party because he KNOWS what would happen (discussed it with the second offense) and we said our I love you's sincerely and that was that. AND HE STILL DID IT.

I couldn't help but think about turning around and going back to Jake the whole time, but I needed a release. Out at the desert, I was remembering how fun it was to be with the ex and his friends and how I missed having friends around. So we all promised to hang out more again. But I had to drive one of the friends home cuz he cracked his radiator. The ex kept asking me to stay longer and that he wished I could stay (which in all honesty broke my heart a little..explained later) On the way back, all me and his friend talked about was old times and what happened happened and we were all okay about it all. Then we started talking about Jake and I. I placed him so highly and made him sound like such a promising person for fighting off friends insistance on doing stuff. I fell in love with him all over again on that ride home....

Then I got home...and the moment I walked in our room....I knew...

If anyone truly knows what it's like to have your heart ripped out of your chest...mine was 50 times worse than that. A promise so sincerely given to me, was severly shattered. For 3 hours he apologized and for 3 hours I cursed him off and threatened leaving him. I didn't look at him, I couldn't talk to him and I couldn't bear to let him touch me. For 3 hours I cried more than I have ever cried before, and hurt more than I hurt a year ago. He just kept apologizing and I just couldn't listen. He begged me not to go home and be alone and asked for me to call someone to be with me if I left. But there was/is no one...and that set me off even more. I called him a liar and such and then...I walked out...

But I came back. I told him he has to stop hurting me and if he EVER did it again, I was for sure gone. It's been rocky since, but I don't know. I've lost so much for him and rebuilding that's going to be so hard.

Why do men, in particularly, like to fuck with my trust? Is it just that I let them into so much so soon? That can't be it because he honestly doesn't know a thing about me, and he's pissed about that a lot. But how can I possibly describe to him those things? Everytime I've tried to release anything to anyone they freak out and run out on me. I straight up told him I can't talk because I just can't. I'm so afraid to lose him because of stupid idiotic fucked up things that have happened in my past. Why does he need to know it? I've obviously gone about all this the wrong way in the past because am I still with those people I told?

Jake works for me. And I like this...

I moved in with him. It's under wraps because my mom says it's too soon...which it probably is. I love him entirely too much to be without him. I hate staying at my dad's on Tuesdays because I have no one to cuddle with...or no one to fight with for the blanket at 3am when it's fucking cold. Or no one to share a corona with or smoke out with at times (at times...I haven't for like 2 weeks actually...turned it down last night). Or no one to say I love you to...and then no one to pinch my butt. >SIGH<.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow...I got him the Pink Floyd "The Wall" CD he got stolen when we got in the car accident and someone busted in his windows for his cds.

But why do we work so well? Is it because I am that promising, smart girl (compared to his fucking wacked out bitch ex) for him, and he's my humanitarian project? I don't know. But you don't know the things I think of at night when he's asleep laying next to me...

Our first real date probably should not have been his sister's wedding...because I think that set us in stone for LIFE.

I love you Jacob Daniel...just because your middle name rocks. :)

And yes Ashley, it is possible to be depressed and happy at the same time. I'm your fucking poster child.
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Time:01:51 pm
I'm feeling terribly empty and worthless. My feelings for Jake keep wearing thinner and thinner. Everyday something happens that builds this wall between us or something. He still obviously doesn't give a damn about his life because he hasn't tried to fix anything about it. Everyone knows in times of difficulty you have to do what you have to do in order to get things done. You can't just pussyfoot around and do nothing. You get nowhere. And that's what and where he is. Nowhere. I'm tired of being treated like crap. He used to be so sweet to me and do little things that were one of those "things" everyone has in their relationships, but now it's like I'm just there as a piece of ass. Everytime there's been awhile between seeing eachother, all he's concerned about is getting laid. Maybe I'm not all about that. He still constantly finds ways to drink or smoke or do whatever. Anytime he's around Tyler it's like, beer this and pills that and weed here and coke there. That's all it was today. So I sat on the balcony, trying to ignore the fact that they were inside discussing when to smoke weed today and when to drink, and I just sat there holding back any feeling of anger, depression, and loathing, but I couldn't. So I just walked out and left. He asked me to call him later and I said no. He asked why. I said because I'm sick of you. The end of that. This all shouldn't have started in the first place. I don't fit in his grouping, he doesn't fit in mine. How the hell would I ever be able to mesh everything together. He got all butthurt about me dedicating seeing Harry Potter 4 with Chris at midnight its opening day. He said he claims priority simply because he's my boyfriend. I mean, alright, but maybe he should be acting like one first. I used to leave him a note everyday I saw him saying love you, etc etc. Now it's not even worth it anymore...he doesn't deserve it after the post-its incident. He just doesn't care enough for me or something. I really thought he had potential and I really thought I could handle his habits, but in all honesty, I just can't. I can't fathom how much of a kick he gets out of everything. We never go out--in matter of fact, he's never taken me out everytime he said he was going to. But the thing I care about the most is he still doesn't respect me. He doesn't understand anything about me or why I don't like to be around his friends and company. I mean, I hate talking to people about him because he's almost embarressing to me. Even his own friend told him he's too much of a druggie and needs to get his ass out there and get a job. WHY AM I STILL PUTTING UP WITH HIS SHIT.

I'm telling Jake it's probably ending here soon.

My birthday's this weekend...and frankly, I don't give a fuck. I'd rather it be my last day, then a celebration of 19 years of fucking hell. Yes I'm depressed, yes I'm pissed off, yes I'm full of regrets and yes, I don't plan on stopping anything I do to myself these next few days because obviously, I'm still just insignificant to this world. So why not make sure I am meant to be here.

Why does this always happen around times my mom is gone?

Someone give me a fucking gun.
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Current Music:Bleed The Dream - Emotion Regression
Subject:The Dance In The Curtains Keeps My Mind Awake
Time:12:05 am
Current Mood:stressedstressed
Last night I had a very serious talk with Jacob about how I pretty much hate everything about him and that if he didn't respect my wishes, I'm gone.

I feel REALLY shitty.

I explained to him the fact that due to growing up around adults fucked up from substance abuse and having my family fall apart because of it, him doing lines in front of me makes me basically schizophrenic. I can't handle him doing it anymore. I hate to say it, but if it does happen again, I'll break. He understands completely now. He said he's thought about it a lot and that we'll only work out if he makes something of himself--and he wants us to work out.

I feel UBER shitty.

To make someone say that they are worthless to someone else? I was so crushed. I hate being critical of people--especially those I love. It breaks my heart to be so judgmental of Jacob, to not really give him a chance to explain or anything. But I've been walked on for most my life and I'm tired of being lied to and giving in. He wants to change a lot about himself. Props.

I feel really sick.

I'm about to dive into the worst situation I've ever been in. I have class Monday through Thursday 8-12 and 6-930 (basically). I currently only work Fri-Sun for a total of 16 hours. That's got to change. So I'm going to try to get a job in Escondido for the hours of 1230-5pm. And then, try to get a job locally in Ramona for the other half of the weekends.

What does this mean?

Not one free waking hour. No Jacob. No sanity. But I will have money to pay for my expenses. What the fuck are my priorities in life at this point? To give up love, life, and sanity for money? But I feel SO guilty mooching money from family. I have to pay 130 for bills, average of 75 a month for gas. I only make 170 a paycheck. Dilemma. My dad's going to pay for my books and give my $50 a month. What does that leave me? Ten dollars. Indeed.

I'm out of my fucking mind.

On a lighter note, I had a nightmare for the first time in years. I awoke straight upright and then did Jacob. He asked what was wrong and if I was okay. I meerly nodded, and struggled for air. I went to get water and returned. I layed down; Jacob held me. He stroked my hair then whispered in my ear repeatedly, "I love you. It's alright."

I've banned any substance other than food and natural drink, from entering my body. STRAIGHTEDGE DANI. And Jacob is an idiot tonight. I want to call him and tell him of my night...but I lack modivation.

I've tried to cry a thousand times, but everytime my tears are dry, and emptiness fills me up inside. (true statement) I really yearn to cry my heart out, and bleed my sorrow out.

Somebody save me, please.
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A Desperate Plea
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